Behind the wale

Those who've been around me, I should believe, have noticed that I am not as aware of my surroundings as I ought to be. Well most of those people also know why, or partly why. It all began some time back in the ending-round of one of the happiest periods of my life. I received news of the illness but only one aspect of it, the rest were to come in September. Since, at the time, everything seemed to be so harmonic in my life I decided not to tell anyone about my troubles. I didn't tell anyone the first 3-4 months, and surprisingly nobody noticed any significant change. I was surprised that nobody seemed to notice my sudden silences that occurred when pain struck. At those times I were overwhelmed by pain, and I had little or no control of my actions. Usually when it occurred I was sitting or laying down, hence, nobody could've seen any strange behaviour.

As time went on, as time do, it became clear that the illness wouldn't go away as easily as I'd hoped. I still kept silence though. But as the end of June approached and the days of August began, I had to spend a few many nights at the hospital. I never explained it to any of my friends, nor did I say why I had to go so early every time we were out, or why I couldn't come with them. They didn't seem to think any of it. I mean I do live far a way, and it would appear to them that nothing was wrong, I did after all withstand from telling. I sincerely lament that.

In the end of August my condition grew worse, and since I still hadn't told anyone, it is not surprising that when I grew worse and I became more silent it would appear as if I had changed and grown parted from my dear friend. A relationship ended and a strained friendship began. When I finally saw that I could not keep my condition hidden any more, and I decided to tell people, my condition had decayed so much that I was at my limit of endurance. However what I told my friends what that some reaction had caused my blood to alter my bone tissue. Far from the truth it wasn't really. My doctors told me that I only had a small chance. My body had been stretched to it's limits and the pain was unbearable. However, as the months flew by my concious awareness grew dim and I was more or less dead. I drifted in and out of conciousness and my train of thought were out of my reach. Coming close to Christmas I were told that I had to begin to eat meat unless I wished to lose the battle. This pushed me over the edge, meat tasted foul and I could hardly digest any food, and my strength ebbed away. As December turned to a new year I had grow a custom to pain, and I managed to uphold an improved appearance. Nonetheless, I felt despair and sorrow.

Occurrences in January lifted my mind some, however February brought a new decay of my life: The loose of feeling. My nerves decided to end the continuous stream of signals that goes to my brain due to too much pain. I felt no pain for the first time in months, but they said that if I didn't regain feeling I would most likely die. An other blow to my health apart from the the fainting and dizziness I'd been experiencing, I now also began to see double or an additional outline became visible around what I gazed at.

It would only go a few weeks before I regained feeling again. This meant that I was finally improving! Though it returned with a back that gives of severe pain when poked or touched non gently. I'm done with chemo too, however I am still on medicines and my vision might be permanently damaged along with my memory. I often forget what I may have said or done mare hours previous, and I have trouble finding my way home, even when I've grown up in my present day home.

Till this day it has been my emotions that have been far worse then the physical strain. They have led me down more then one dark path, but a friend has always been there to grab me by the hair out of harm's way. Much as been said and done that never should have been, and that I must apologise for. I lament much of my doings, sayings and most of all I lament that I waited till hope ran dim, almost fainted away, before I told anyone what the news where.

The reason as to why I've written this is because the worst seems to be over, and I have to thank my friends for baring with me. The future seems bright but there are still many obstacles I must cross before my path is cleared.