Child of child from me have yet to come.

Why does words of love seem strange to me like a play of newborn actors that never knew the act of play? Perhaps it failed when wails wrapped my life a shade from them. Whilst his was open there to see for ears and heart yearning to listen. If you listen as we go, I say: let us go you and I.

Is it true?

How can it be I feel so weight down when I finally can breath?
balance?

...

Yin and Yang they might have been.
Yang had the family seven years before,
she came to bliss his Day with joy.
When he came the mother's wrath,
nurse was in a shock, but made the quake.
She was late, her birth done right.
Family joy for later years.
A bliss foretold round Yole last.
All them cried, but she as Yin;
the out of world, the one alone to roam;
calm as the peace dove sat.
Reckless they both blew with each other.

A father's tears joined by son and mother's rage.
Sweet sleep with reckless contrast.
Now black and white go hand in hand.
Such sibling bliss they help to find.

I am turning cold to mend a fragile heart.

None could hear her thought
Silence of patience.
Voices roar above her subtle hints
For the third obvious such heavens weather.

He has grown. I hardly see my brother grown;
I see a reason from experience spun.
Such knowledge I hope for nought.

See tomorrow shine...

?

^'_'^

I'm growing up
with each passing of time
I learn what I wish I did not earn.
I'm growing up with the passage of time
such a silly term
Loss and hope all combined
do we have a power?
how do we make it through
life is a river and so is death too
but sorrow and pain follow our lives
is death the end or the beginning again?
I do not know but the snow make wonder
in time it'll leave to regenerate life

Eternity

every reason d'être I see
- without a trace -

every coup d'etat I witness
- stay forever -

I'll sore straight to heaven.
- hold me down -
You know I can't stay forever.
- hold me down -

It, always seem to be quite sweet. Never wanting it to end, then reality calls. Not yearning it's call, I open the door. In that moment in the tween. I do not know the inanest dream of me, but I see it in the hearts around me, I see it in me. I'm grounded. When you leave you better be gone forever. Leave my sight, without a trace left to linger. When you're finally gone, I should be out without a trace... You were leaving me thus I abandoned you.

Fiction gives us a second chance that life denies us - M. Scott Peck

black holes

November has proven a hell those who came before me spoke the truth. November equal IB hell, yet even so stuff is being done....though time mysteriously disappairs. I swear it is a black hole somewhere swallowing it so I don't get to expose it to the max-..- so many sleepless nights and a fever plus head ache constantly brewing in me mind!! horrible... somehow, we move on.... but gah it happens a gain I was doing ee work and suddenly two hours was gone... it doesn't take two hours to read through an essay! though apparently it does for me..

Time, catches everyone
and the world goes round the sun
the memory lives on in my heat
going back to the start

Dyvart & Furu

I found a photo in my drawer
I had him there for safe keep
I see he wasn't in the drawer
He was a part of my soul; me
I left home in the early hours
He went with me, both of' em
Tagging along beside my path
I fell and stumbled, to digress
A power swept beneath arms
With wings they held & guided
I stood through the storm upright
Each time the wind tried I stood

I see

Could I recite

Could I be yours
The past is mine
but I desire you
I see with an eye

The closest I get
The present delight
The future is fogged
The future is ours
yes we can^^

The change

Then it was decided. Obama won the election and we will see some changes, but it remain to see the degree he will be set back by the economic crisis. Truly a close race though the democrats won, and a new chapter in world history is to be written. Obama is the first African-American to be elected president and this has opened doors to a resolution of rasisim both in the states but also in worldpolitics.

By chance

I wear my scares on my sleeves
more then I would like
Nonetheless I treasure them.
So to make my way
I take precautions.

Life is life and yes we're in the earnest of ours,
but in a short time we can live more
then some do in the course of a lifetime.

It is time for the American presidential selection. The decision will impact most of the world in various ways, but an impact on us all nonetheless. Some my argue that this election is an election where all the citizens of any country but the US should have the rights to vote. Due to the US' immense power and influence in the global community. The US economy starting with the downwards spiral of the US dollar led to a downwards spiral in the economy thus effecting the global economy. Impacts varied throughout the world but there was made an imprint on the world that we shall and must remember. Now we need to see the administration on of the US, the one power state in the world with so called global power and earning the title of a superpower. I will be watching the election to night as of now McCain is in the lead, but this is the beginning so it will be exciting to see what happens.

Snowingly hoped

Pablo Picasso once said "Every act of creation is first an act of destruction " it couldn't be more accurate for the week me fellow students and me self are undergoing. This is suppose to be our week of absence without leave. So much to do, but that's IB for you. We write then shred our work then rewrite parts for then to delete half of it.

Nonetheless, this night must have been divine cause finally the snow fell and lay down a blanket of white across me street ^^ And me city, though I doubt it is still consistence in sweet white the closer to town you get. I can recall sweet childhood memories of small feet running out as the first snow fell even before the day of me birthday befell in the middle of October. However this didn't last long cause the time of the first snow has become later and later..last year it did fall in the last days of October too, but it was swept away with the water that fallowed. Not to mention of course that there wasn't any snow on Christmas Eve last year, that always kill the spirit, in me anyhow. There is one day a year that there ought to be snow ad that is Christmas Eve, especially since we live in Norway: the way north: the northern way.

Looking out the window now I hope this will last till the next main fall of snow, but I am realistic enough, to realise that it probably will be washed away some time in the coming weeks. Yet looking out my window it is snowing, it gives hope.

Rotten days

This is suppose to be obvious, but seems like it need mentioning anyways...

If your foot is swollen; hold it high, above said heart.
If your foot is left down; you'll end up with sausage toes....

Seriously, I am walking around with a monstrous foot, and it is taunting the normal one! Anyhow, in its existence say like since Sunday, for sure, it has not liked being used for walking. go figure I try since it is a FOOT; a reluctance too be set 90 degrees in relation to the leg makes the left foot of mine useless. Did I also mention that it is swollen to almost twice its original size, or the colouring of the blue/purple and yellow/blue spectrum of the colour schemes? (Though not green, no, not rotten yet for fungous) But I experienced a tremendous victory to today. As I put my mind to moving the useless leg, I sat for hours trying to move the toes; before suddenly the toes moved. One by one; first the boss, then the one next to it, then the pinky, and so the ones in between. Me mind won over the swollen defences of the body^^ mohahaha. Wait probably not a good thing, or a good idea for that matter. Probably in the same league as walking with the dissmuttered foot from Vika to Frogner after it got injured. But what the heck? It walked and worked then, but after a nap it went whiny on me. Still today my mind won over matter. Yey me^^ Also it has been confirmed that it isn't broken only dislocated and swollen as a result of "severe trauma".... Bah! Never stopped me before I kept rolling by as always and will continue doing so^^

Insomnia by the hours

Time: nothing but a concept created by man.
A name of the phenomonon where light turn to dark as a mechanism turning in harmonic motion. A name we gave so to better comprihend why day turn away into night.
For me: it passes ever so slowly at times but is really going by faster and faster as time grow. Though the day becomes longer, time never passes as quick as when you sitt all night trying to solve your homework. Suddenly, without comprehention, as an hour flew by who stole time? and where was it taken?

Math ....blæ

Well now it is set, math internal is now due on friday and i hate computer graphing!!!! It is driving me mad! Damn assigment, easy enough but so annoying when the technology part doesn't work!
Well that be todays rant^^ I have to admit i rather like keeping buisy with people and stuff^^ Stuff being a lot! Can't be bothered to go into it, but yey art is going well and people are funky these days^^

More from within will befall
You must wait and see
cause time is then not now
Lets just enjoy the now
move around in space
Your time is well spent then

Family

Now the family dinner is over and talks have been made about the wide world. They look at me still as their little naive girl who pretend to be more then her age promise; I am and they know, but somewhere it is lost.

eighteen

Then the day was finally here, my becoming of age. Funny isn't it, little me is finally an adult. But what difference will it make? Haven't I had acted maturely enough for a life time by now? I wish we could grow back down again, though becoming of age does have it's perks^^ I can drink without the guilt.....yeah never happend; but i can buy stuff myself^^,

00:58 this morning I was in the company of me favourite person in the whole wide world, an amazing woman. My grams of course, who's getting better^^

People came, drank, partied, ate, some pjucked, they slept, then left^^ A party is held on the behalf of the familiy you choose yourself, more so then for yourself.^^, I'm glad people had a nice time, or so it seems^^

October first

I was reminded of how i saw me life today.
" You always took pride in running in the autumn rain as october was landing at your door step. Made by the red leaves - you always plucked them up, collected them in your little shrine. Do you remember - Ina? "
My grams remembers well the past and near past, but the now that past a few minutes ago she seems to forget like the evolution have of men. Yes, I once went by the alias Ina. Now my alias is part of my name just not the full name of me birth. Nonetheless, I always blossomed in the falling summer and in the bitter, cold october bris. Truly as an autumn child. But autumn hasn't come in me life for many years. This year, however, I smile once more. Touble's behind me. Hope restored and growing within me. I don't understand why. Reason says calm down, watch out, but hearts never listen.

With the change in the wind when summer is at it's end and the bitter, chilled autumn the promise of change is in the air. - Thaun&Momom

Ah, autumn

There is two more days left of september. I am glad, cause then the deadlines and stress before is now done, yet I am sad since september went so fast and autumn is my favourite season. With all the colours the chilled autumn air, falling leaves to cover the forrestgrounds below^^ Not to mention I am an autunm child^^ two weeks and I'm of age. Though I doubt it would cause any drastic change except I may be able to move out without parental help.

Well then since fall has come, I've begun to prepare for my exams and the fact that IB is turning to an end and I wish for the best result I can achieve. In such thoughts it hit me that my results may be better if I took art HL instead of SL, since I've already worked as an HL student just not had HL arts I figured why not do the best of it, however this leads to an opening for switching down physics, or at least register for the exams as SL not HL....
Autumn is inspireing^^

Art for art's sake is a philosophy for the well-fed - Frank Lloyd Wright

My hair

Well I asked what you my friends would like me to do with my hair. now the vote is done and counted. It seems I now have to consider what to do with such matters. Most voted for the style i had a couple of years back and colour it brown. Well now it seems i just have to wait for the money and it might happen^^

Colour it black! 3 people voted(18%)
Chop it all off! Mohahaha! not suprisingly 1 voted(yes i know who)
Cut it in layers like a cake and colour it dark brown for the frosting 7(43%) voted and it will happen just give me time^^

Could possably be something fanc like pink or green...GREEN^^ 1voted
Or the booring one: just leave it be... 4(25%) voted. Glad I can do something now :P

Votes: 16
Thanks for the votes people^^

Guardians

"You've recieved a wonderful idea as an
answer to your prayers. This idea is real and
thrustworthy. You can safely move farward with it,
knowing that we are with you every step of the way.
Ask for and be open to recieving our support for
anything you need related to this idea."

There’s this Norse legend that says a viking
hero was born from a star…

Then is there even a thought as too why we can resist the cold unfriendly north when we were born amongst the blastering heat of those million beauties of beings? They guard us with their smooth tutch. Their warm embrase and soft kiss, which grants us dreams.

I used to swim to that wreck… back when I still had good lungs. Ledgend speack not of the mother of heroes from which the tall came.

My way home

As a boomshell the station and it's suroundings were with the thikened fogg, when my train arrived at the station. Behind me drunken youths my own age stumbled out on to the bench. I tried to make my way to the stairs unnoticed but weren't as lucky as those who vanished at the top. They said "Hey isn't that the girl? The one we..In eight or was it ninth?" They raised their voices to call for me, I pretended not to hear. As i walked on I could hear that they too got a move on and were quickening their paste. None of them bothered to run after me, and yealled after me but couldn't be bothered to fetch me. Something got trown my way. I kept walking

I realised one of the drunken class mates of old were behind me and wouldn't stop till he were at my side. So i stopped. Baffeled by my sudden stop he walked into me, looked up and nothing came from his mouth. I looked into his eyes, nodded and kept a steady paste home to my front door.

Inside I made tea and some food. With a full stomach and a cup of tea in my hand; I sank to my knes and sighed with relief.

Walking

Walking, strolling along the avenue
Stilluettes in the dark that surrounds
Close to heart a friend of yours
To keep warm and on your feet to night
Bags are barely clinging to those few
Shoulders hurting by the weight
Mind will rid that pain away
Nothing can obid this phase
Walking, strolling alongside friends
Home from a friend's and friends again
Lamps are lively as the ghost yours

Masnarvi Ma'narvi

I died as inanimate matter and arose a plant,
I died as a plant and rose as an animal,
I died as an animal and arose a man.
Why then should I fear to become less by dying?
I shall die once again as a man
To rise an angel perfect from head to foot!
Again when I suffer dissolution as an angel
I shall become what passes the conception of man!
Let me then become non-existent, for non-existence
Sing to me in organ tunes,"To once we came shall we return"

^^

They say trust work both ways, but have you ever found it that those you give your trust too seem to doubt yours? A true friend knows what to believe and not too act on false rumers to save their own ass, but it seems even with the truth in their mind they seem unable to know how to act. Guess the only advise to give is this: trust but your selves and know that if you need it you have friends but only for so long.

Music washes from the soal the dust of everyday life, so write the music that befits you^^

She smiles

< hehe > he goes.
she smiles
Behind those pail and blue eyes of hers a secret lurckes even hidden from herself. The only release is awaited in a breakdown or in the time when her inhabations are lowered. What's the clue she need? I'll tell she would love to know. The mind of people is omnious but a necessity for us.
< she knows > but says not a word.
In her smile it can be seen
all the hope and promises broken have created this, this girl without footing, lost from roots, yet she's better off than before and she's loved.

Tunderstorm

When night is turned to day,
and the rain is pooring down,
You hear brawl from above,
You know that summer, warm and sweat,
comes not without it's cost
the law of consequence remains.

With a flicker in the sky
like a stream that never ends
the Gods allmighty speak
You know that even summer
comes not without cost
the consequence will surface.

Remember, friend

Friendship is no easy concept.
Wonder why we are friends? Good or bad.
We wonder, wonder why we found such friends.
Good friends are there for you as a silent guardian.
Don't wonder, they are there; friends share, friends care.
Once a part in a friendship you ought to be there for friends.
When they need you, yet even more importantly when they don't need you.
Remember
No one read minds; comuncation and speach
speach may be silent...

The rise of a new dawn

The saying of the red dawn, tell of the beholder where he or she is traveling or has travelled in the past. A red dawn speak of blodshead this night past, be it a worrier. A lover whisper of it a new becoming and of hope yet to be held. Those old of age look at it as a vitness of their deeds and how it will ease their journey into the everlasting night. So it beeth an end where new hope lies ahead to blossom where the old took leave for the new. Now despear must fall and give way to hope, for how else can we continue on our path to fulfilment. But in our lives the sun rise and set in red at many a time. Often as not, we can not see the warning, nor do we see the promise of hope. Hence our becoming dawn rise ever so long after it was set.

Time is a strange concept. The moon rose and fell many a time before I could accept that which could not be. A longer time I took to understand and graspe the delicate balance, for which it meant, between emotion and reason. However, through tunes of music the wale was lifted from my eyes. I see now with the clear sight I left misted on own accord in the fright of being left alone. As the tunes fuelled me head, they whispered the mist away. More than one share one stretch of the path at any given time in the different earas of life. I see now, we are all alone: only not all the time. In me fright to be lone, I set out on a far lonelier road. I was brought in circles, which begun an ended where I strayed the path, until I saw clear skies above. From there my path continues, and my mind is at ease.

Yes, truth be told, love I still bear for what was, but which cannot be, but now no more than a beloved memory. Me heart is mended, and returned to my safe keeping once more. This enlightenment I have long sought. Nonetheless, I sought it elsewhere since I thought of it with lovesick hope and I sought after a harder answer. A greater task I thought of, when all it was is the knowledge to let go and the strength to forgive, not others, but to forgive one self.

Friends and companions may give words of wisdom but if we only see clouds above; our ears are deaf for thus words.

Mellon, oiö nä ëleallä älassë.

Mellon, the saying goes, as all know within their hearts; "beauty comes from within". It is ours to listen too, some more so then others do. Henceworth the bottom line never changes; for the truth lieth in our heart, deep within us. Now how can you take told of me as a bearer of beauty of the diem, when in me heart I am but true. Me thoughts dwell not of thus beauty. For therein lurcks thoughts, in me mind it can not be just - nor truthfully told to be as you say in the great perspective - the layers around me heart are set as a convoy. Layers of light may conceal dark but it will not destroy even at sinew will.

Sinew will aren't but all.

- Thaun

Summer in me mind

Well all my long lost friends that have wondered outside of the safe bourders of this land have yet again returned to these shores. But for some it is only for a while intill they depart once more. Oh sweet summer and your joy; why must thy be so sweet?

Let summer dwell
Let us live for now
Let tomorrow bare the consequence
Let us for now be and we will rule with great thought when these times cease.
Let us enjoy this time of wormth and
let us subcome to the worries of the world when the time in paradice cease.

Je ne crois pas; je sais

Well I've applied to umpteen jobs yet nothing! I need something to drag me of this "comme un automate". It's like I'm in a trance: trying to not obsess! I'm doing all in my power to neither obsess over every detail of me life, nor to think to much about how different a lot of things could have been if i hadn't changed along the way and lost my self...

Je suis morte

il y a tellement longtemps.....

Tja maybe not but it seems I've lost my self when i found someone worth keeping.

Mais il peux me faire ressentir
comme si ce n'était pas le cas.
La reason pour laquelle il a viens me voir
Je ne crois pas...

Je as puer... On est embrasant. Je suis honte de ce que je ressens, tu sais que je ne peux pas manipuler le moment. Souffler à l'oreille dans le vent, ca a l'air moins réel.

Et puisque je ne suis qu'un mort pour[...]
alors!

Et laisser moi reposer en paix. Disparaissent une manière, vous a préoccupé des pensées...

Laisse moi dormir, sans vous là dans mon sommeil.

I know I have friends and i know where to turn but in my mind I can't be driven there. Guess this is the rant of a tired person who've seen such that she'd fallen tired of it all, and is in desperate need of some sleep. Not just sleep, but sleep that leave her well rested, not the kind where dreames that used to be wonderful is thought of as nightmares. Dreamless sleep would be most wanted....

Je peux m'allonger par terre mais je ne trouve pas ma douce libération; sommeil paisible.

Je sais, je devrais partir, mais je te suis comme un possédé. Il y a un traître sous ma poitrine.
Je suis mon ennemi, mais c'est difficile ne à pas....
Je suis mal mais je suis encore fort... Alors, même la personne la plus forte peut décomposez trop émotions. Il me fait souffrir plus que tu ne l'imagines, que tu ne comprends pas.

J'ai essayé mais je ne trouve pas ma douce libération.
Je pourrais avoir besoin sommeil paisible, maintenant.

Advancement

It's been to long since I was a part of the working life. People who work seems to have a purpose and of such they seem less depressive and unhappy. Of course most people who are depressive and unhappy are either those who have fallen for a mid-life crisis or there about, and they usually have a steady job. Still, I feel that when you are working to achieve both an decent income and to earn to life's customs, one become more energetic, more efficient.

This might just be me, but I seem to remember that I gave more, cared more, and bothered more back when I had a few jobs. I miss it really. With the "sabbatical" I've taken this year I feel like I've lost my self a bit along the way. It's really scary, job interviews didn't bother me much, but now I'm actually scared or at least rather nervous. I just hope it goes well, but then again my credentials from this last semester of school isn't the best. It's rather poor I fear...

What if I don't get it? There's always more work to be found. Yet I'm still worried I've been out of the game too long. here I go worrying for nothing, It'll go fine....[Keep telling my self]

Anxious

It was a triumph, I thought. Thinking I were on my way, acting alone, moving on and improving my health and myself. It was suppose to be a huge success, hard to over state my satisfaction...
We do what we must because we can, but also because we think it's for the best: for the good of all of us, except those who are dead, seemingly...

You keep on crying till you keep on trying, and when you run out of tries you go back to despair and the tears. I am not angry, I am sincere. Torn to pieces, torn between what I wish and want and what I feel. I've been so happy for you. And I sincerely are still. Though therein lies the problem. I am happy and more willingly to care for others' well being then my own. I'm no saint or any of the kind, but I still turn from my own problems. I deny them, till I can suppress them no more. They come in urges and unthought scenarios, there will be consequences, but which consequences will cause payment? Those of the past sins or those of the present past?

Anxiety have always been and will always be part of our conscience state of mind. It influences some more then others. Nonetheless karma will sum up our consequences and we must meet out bill one way or the other. Anxiety is felt strongly when we know the bill is overdue and we are waiting for the result. We may survive or we may not, either figuratively speaking or not.

I'm just wondering what I must pay. They say I live up to my carrier as an artist. Considering what James Taylor once said

That's the motivation of an artist - to seek attention of some kind

The way

Life is mysterious and our greatest questions are based on our opinions which again is lad up on our emotions, reason, heritage and what it be.
But what'd it be the best of all?
What'd it be; emotions, showing you the greater love.
Would it be opinions, guiding us through life, showing us the wast, scary world?
Let it be a light, like reason be your widest call. And now...
Can you heed that call, the calling form within. What'd it be, would know where to go, what to do?
Life is our mean, whilst love be the trade, opinions are the guide whilst reason set a side for emotions. Leave it be...

I believe it will turn out for the better in one way or the other.

The greatest blessing

The blessing of life that is given to us from those above
What to do with it is our own game to play
The time is limited but yet enough for us to blossom
Though a blossom can rearly bare the winter
What to do but sweet sleep of hibernation

Memento mori

Last Friday an accident claimed three young peoples lives. The one driving, and sad to say the one responsible for the accident was the twenty year old son of the "Feet" Couple, who are close friends of my parents. I didn't really know him since it was mostly through his cousins, uncle and aunt I became known to him. However I did meet him during several occasions throughout my childhood and we didn't share to many conversations or something like that... but although we didn't hit it off too well I will still remember him in his cousins image.

The funeral was today. A rather nice funeral, the priest was good and I think his words helped the morning family, but one thing the priest said struck to me and stuck. He said if we wish to avoid sorrow we mustn't seek companions in life, and rather pursue life alone. Furthermore he also repeated that the sorrow is only there because the happy memories will not repeat itself. But let not this lead to a suppression of those memories. The though that popped to my mind was a phrase that I used to comfort my self with: that those one love is never really gone as long as you keep their memory in your heart.

So in a sans they'll never leave you... All we must overcome is our own need to see, hear and feel their physical being; to overcome our egocentric-feelings. Only when we die and if we've kept silent their memory is when they leave this world for good. - Thaun

How are [it]?

Always nice, but these are but phrases in the wind. Phrases as a prof of our sin:

when we speek empty words to be polite

when we turn our head so not to see

Cause what we know we need to see

with knowledge action is demanded

make blind and utter emptiness

If so would cure the lot, we'd be doing the right things, however as it happens; it's not.

Be as it may

what was the story on me mind

which memories remain

time has shiftly swept - away

was it all in me head

did it happen in me mind

did I act it all the time

was it all in the world

time as broomly swept - away

which memories remain

what was the story of me life

The forest at night

Its only slightly past nine, yet the dark is gathering full strength over the trees of my likes. Or rather they look to be us, but that's just because they wish they were one of us: able to grow where nutrients are scares and exist high up in the fresh mountain air.
It was wonderful out there. In the forest, listening tothe few birds that were still up and about, and the sounds from the flowing stream, just after dark. I should probably not have been there, out in the cool air. But if you need time and somewhere to think, I can not think of any other... Then in this Norwegian Wood of mine.
My past questions are answered. They led way for the past to arrise. Now I linger in this old, oh so very old, genuine Norwegian Wood, where I saw my roots once. If I look again, carefully this time, who knows? maybe I'll see them again.
Think I can see some old oak over there, in between those proud Pines. The short "chumpy" green little Thing at the left, will forever more be as it was and were to be; of the past. Nonetheless it's being shall never fade though it may be trapped by time. This is where my heart lies, and shall be kept from the world.

I am home.

old oak = good friend

The letter

Katrine Furu

02/04/08

Dear friend

Hello.
There has been a silence wind building up, blowing from far a way in the land where you exist, for far to long. I may be ill but I am not blind nor am I deaf. Don't take me for dead yet, so may you please speek up...
What is new with you, are you doing fine, is something wrong?
Why am I left standing so alone, at the spot were we used to laugh.
Open up to me - remember I am here for you and I will always be - or help me Gods, for then I'm lost. But has long as I have friends like you I will be here for you, I promise on all that I hold holy. I can only help if my heart is told. So if there's something you need, speek up, let me know and I'll consult my best adviser. So don't repeat my wrongs. They are worngs for a reason, since they help nobody nor do them make you feel better...only lonely.
Remember i am a tree and my leaves fly with the wind. No matter where you are, I will be there in a minute if you will it.

Yours sincerly
The Pine up north

sigh^^

You're probably thinking what in the world am I doing up a this hour, no particular reason. None you'd accept anyway, but frankly I'm just not up for sleeping quit yet.
I'm drinking my tea - how I enjoy it - looking out to my poach where the snow is gently falling down from the sky forming a blanket of white.
My street is lighted by the yellow light from the lamps. It's a rather cosy scenery, I most admit I don't want to be anywhere else at the moment. I am fine at this particular spot, in my room overlooking the street and its blanket of white... With my tea, and drawing pad^^
Catch me any other day and I'll probably tell you I wish I was indeed else where then this godforsaken country. That's the bottom line anyway, may present it a bit differently. However I am a real fool for saying so, 'cause I doubt that any other place would except me for the freak I am.

I'll just retire with my Agatha Christie ^^

ayayay! :S

These few days I've been stressing about my exhibition. Should have started along time ago and been done a few weeks in advance, but I've had almost no spear time on my hands until recently and well in addition there's been that illness of mine *sigh&shackinghead*

Well it's all over now, I have stressed and worried so much my doctor started too worry again. He advised me to avoid stress, which should count for everyone Hence no more work for a while, which is the same as a friend told me yesterday. Should start to listen to my friends, turns out that they are more often right then not. The exhibition didn't turn out as I'd hoped, the only thing I sold was the painting I painted in a rush two days previous. The paint wasn't even dry! Anyway it's over and I need to relax...There's my cup of tea - good night people^^

St.Patrick's day

Well I never really cared for days such as this 'cause "what's the point?" I'd always say. However since St.Patrick's day happened to be during easter people decided to start the celebration at Friday and keep going through the weekend. I didn't pay much notice of this till a friend announces as we're sitting in the morning sun this Saturday. She said what a way to celebrate St.Patrick's day all we lack now is gunnies...

It was nice 'cause it was spring everywhere though just that night it had fallen some snow. The sun was up and it was warm^^

Out in the snow

We're all born from the grave of late affairs
We'll visit the burial of our great grandparents
Shiftily after a new event with grandparents
We grow and now it's our children we bury
Years will pass and Love is put to the ground
Before we go our selves we bury illness and pain
Then we go up and away to be reborn from late affairs

Behind the wale

Those who've been around me, I should believe, have noticed that I am not as aware of my surroundings as I ought to be. Well most of those people also know why, or partly why. It all began some time back in the ending-round of one of the happiest periods of my life. I received news of the illness but only one aspect of it, the rest were to come in September. Since, at the time, everything seemed to be so harmonic in my life I decided not to tell anyone about my troubles. I didn't tell anyone the first 3-4 months, and surprisingly nobody noticed any significant change. I was surprised that nobody seemed to notice my sudden silences that occurred when pain struck. At those times I were overwhelmed by pain, and I had little or no control of my actions. Usually when it occurred I was sitting or laying down, hence, nobody could've seen any strange behaviour.

As time went on, as time do, it became clear that the illness wouldn't go away as easily as I'd hoped. I still kept silence though. But as the end of June approached and the days of August began, I had to spend a few many nights at the hospital. I never explained it to any of my friends, nor did I say why I had to go so early every time we were out, or why I couldn't come with them. They didn't seem to think any of it. I mean I do live far a way, and it would appear to them that nothing was wrong, I did after all withstand from telling. I sincerely lament that.

In the end of August my condition grew worse, and since I still hadn't told anyone, it is not surprising that when I grew worse and I became more silent it would appear as if I had changed and grown parted from my dear friend. A relationship ended and a strained friendship began. When I finally saw that I could not keep my condition hidden any more, and I decided to tell people, my condition had decayed so much that I was at my limit of endurance. However what I told my friends what that some reaction had caused my blood to alter my bone tissue. Far from the truth it wasn't really. My doctors told me that I only had a small chance. My body had been stretched to it's limits and the pain was unbearable. However, as the months flew by my concious awareness grew dim and I was more or less dead. I drifted in and out of conciousness and my train of thought were out of my reach. Coming close to Christmas I were told that I had to begin to eat meat unless I wished to lose the battle. This pushed me over the edge, meat tasted foul and I could hardly digest any food, and my strength ebbed away. As December turned to a new year I had grow a custom to pain, and I managed to uphold an improved appearance. Nonetheless, I felt despair and sorrow.

Occurrences in January lifted my mind some, however February brought a new decay of my life: The loose of feeling. My nerves decided to end the continuous stream of signals that goes to my brain due to too much pain. I felt no pain for the first time in months, but they said that if I didn't regain feeling I would most likely die. An other blow to my health apart from the the fainting and dizziness I'd been experiencing, I now also began to see double or an additional outline became visible around what I gazed at.

It would only go a few weeks before I regained feeling again. This meant that I was finally improving! Though it returned with a back that gives of severe pain when poked or touched non gently. I'm done with chemo too, however I am still on medicines and my vision might be permanently damaged along with my memory. I often forget what I may have said or done mare hours previous, and I have trouble finding my way home, even when I've grown up in my present day home.

Till this day it has been my emotions that have been far worse then the physical strain. They have led me down more then one dark path, but a friend has always been there to grab me by the hair out of harm's way. Much as been said and done that never should have been, and that I must apologise for. I lament much of my doings, sayings and most of all I lament that I waited till hope ran dim, almost fainted away, before I told anyone what the news where.

The reason as to why I've written this is because the worst seems to be over, and I have to thank my friends for baring with me. The future seems bright but there are still many obstacles I must cross before my path is cleared.

morning

The world is just how I left it

When sleep took me a few hours ago
The morning light of the sun
is shining bright in my eyes
and the city is stirring again

Strange to awoken once more
Nonetheless nice to be here
when the morning light
strikes through my window cell
I can see the city stir below
sweet melodies reach my ear

Would they still be singing if we never woke from our much needed sleep? Their song of light, I guess, would never end, no matter if we were to end. End up ten feet below, amongst our ancestors, with our essence floating around. I know who I would haunt, no fun going through the light when you can spend eternity on earth amongst the living, yet youcan not die since you are dead. Wonder how that would be, don't you?

We are never so defenceless against suffering as when we love.

- Sigmundc Freud
If we ever stop to look back at our time spent in the clouds we'll see how we augured the strenuous end and hence we'll see we augured the beginning.
Life is robust yet so fragile. The smallest thing can take it a way in a split second, and sometimes even living its self is death, the most excruciation agony; to live while you are dead; only routines no room for life, you sleep, eat and do what ever that makes your day and then return again to the deadly sea of our imaginary head - Thaun

All I've ever done is to hide from the world, ironic that now that I had all intention to prosper
The huge world hides from little me

I augur...

Well we're here again, a year has past. So strange how time goes by, but that day I will always remember as clear as the sun. It is strange to think that a little rash, innocent and unplanned action could change so much. A year's past and here I am again. I bare the same kinds of emotions that was awoken in me, on this vary day a year ago. Though not in the same way or of the same intensity, as I experienced from that day and beyond. Not even as strong as those I rid myself of, just mare week ago. It seems that 13, as unlucky as it may be, is in truth a sign of good fortune for those born on the 12, and the end of summer or the start of autumn, depending on how you look at it, augur strenuous times ahead. But the clouds have begun to lift, although that which I just cast away shall never fade and always be with me, 'cause it can't be cured. Nonetheless, it has been moved till a layer in my mind were I can sense it, but not be overthrown by it. The cycle appears to be fulfilled, although it shall never be forgotten or fade away, a new beginning is upon us and this is were my path lie, as life is slowly returning to this part of the world as the days become brighter... and we grow stronger.


To day will also be the second annual event were we'll watch the school play. And it is even in accordance with the ocurences last year. First the emotions then the play^^

and so we go...on?

A new year has begun and it is time for changes and a fresh start. New years resolutions perhaps? Well it calls for a bit of reflection upon life, and my current role in life. In so many ways I am unaware. Many nights I lay silent and listen to the tears' soft puff when they hit the pillow. I've been through so much, and I think to myself: life can only become better. The voices are loud and some utter it's soon ending, others insist that THIS life of mine will only continue as in a novel. The clichés, I hate them. The voices of continuation has silenced to a sweet whisper lately, whilst the others roar. I can hardly hear the whispers, yet there's a voice telling me: not enough. A memory keep playing in my head - Goose pops - I hate to admit it but I am scared and although I have wonderful friends, I feel dreadfully alone. Nothing is certain any more. People change, and so do friends. I fear I'm losing many of them. Some I feel I can hardly talk to any more, that fuels me with great sadness. Further, self annoyance, and what if - thoughts. Even despair creep in. If I only could talk to them as before, confide in them without holding anything back(as custom has become), I would know what voice to listen to, I would know the direction.

I'm looking for a light and redemption.

Safety

If anyone understand, life passes us by in the blink of an eye. This we know. Still we try to make our way through the tides. We falter, fall and we're the Tide's pray...till someone gently helps us too safety at shore. However young we are, we can't stop thinking, and just adjust? The future can always be bright, but how can we know? can we look back and take joy and courage from the past? I have few memories I'd like to recall, nevertheless I have some, most from the year that past. These are happy memories, but that happiness is far worse it seems then the horrid emotions of the grey past. Somehow I wish I was a kid again, naive and only thinking ahead a few hours, never looking back. No wrongs done nor seen.

Slowly awoken, rubbing sore eyes, looking tiredly at the walls of my confinement. Short shower, only a few minutes but the care afterwards seems like a lifetime of pain. Life will soon forget the holidays and resume as always. How am I going to get through that? I am wishing for a new start. No strong emotions. Sadly, I am only human, and my sense and wishes means nothing for those my rebellious emotions follow. If I should start the new year with a resolution, a goal for myself, it would be to leave them be. Except I know if I really were to do so it would be like throwing yourselves in front of a truck in 60km/h. Guess my only hopes for this year and that too follow would be to get by at school. Do my best. Sounds reasonable? If only the changes would stop, and communication could resume.