Awe

This little heart breaker, was abandoned by her mother only a few days ago. Luckily a human couple touched by the Christmas Spirit found her and took er with them home. As you can see she found that these humans, so humongous as they may be, they had nuts. Our little squirl was in nut-heaven^^ Unlike the squirl in Ice Age, let us speer a thought for his likes. Merry Christmas and remember to watch NRK tonight a quarter to nine, the countess and the butter, never Christamas without them.

Snow^^

Marriage may be the closest thing to Heaven or Hell any of us will know on this earth - Edwin Louis Cole

This has never been more true then for my parents it seems, especially the hell part. The source of this misery is non other then my mom's naivety. She's amongst those who never think before she speaks, and she can't stand critic. Especially not when it comes to her relationship to vine... Can't she just take one glass and then stick to water? urk never mind this


Look outside your window now! It's finally falling white flakes from the heavens. The gods have finally found it fit to bless us with snow^^ Guess that means it will become Christmas this year as well. Put all your troubles aside.. Now only one thing missing, and if I'm not mistaken we're one day over due: My dear friend is stranded in France one day more:( She'll be home tomorrow so I hope to see her then^^ Now when she comes home tomorrow, we'll be skating again and all our troubles will be forgotten^^ Enjoy the snow folks^^




As an extra treat I'd like to remind all the astronomers out there that the night between 4 am and 5am Christmas eve, Mars will journey behind the moon. A sight worthy of seeing
Marry Christmas, just two days left^^

end or not

Today I watched a show on National Geographic Channel about how some Christian fanatics believe that the disasters and the wars of this century are indications to warn us that the end is near. The apocalypse has begun. Maybe, maybe not all a question of beliefs however when they say "those who believe shall be raised from hell on earth to the heavens, whilst the sinners shall be left behind to face their dark faiths". Why only those who believe? Just because you believe does not mean you're any better than the rest. I can't help but to think of the quote of the philosopher Galen Sawson:

It's an insult to God to believe in God.... So my suspicion is that the people he really loves best now in the twentieth century are probably the atheists and agnostics, because they're the only ones who have ever really taken him seriously.

Believe all you want, but unless you try to make this place a better place I don't really see why you should be allowed to escape the end. You don't have to set out to save the world, just be friendly and helpful. Make it a bit easier for the person next to you, some times a smile or a "Hello, how are you?" can do the trick.
Anyway, whether the end is near or not, today's the 16th December. Which means 8 days till Christmas eve and only 6 days till my friend comes home^^ It's the end of the weekend and what have I done? Not much, I started my homework but I never finished - I've been throwing up:S - I'm sick. *Urk* Oh Well school tomorrow, have to finish up my presentation, and the rest of my homework... I've gotten glasses but the headche's still there. Same as my fever...At least it's only a few days left till the holidays^^.

Yay...yeah...

Now, headache, fever, stomachache and other aches has never been welcomed during Christmas or actually not at any time. Nonetheless, they do come, just as uninvited guest sometimes do. Well in my case it's more unfortunate then for others. For one, I regrettably must agree to put a way my vegetarian "era". And I may miss out on most of Christmas :( It's the bad news I've been waiting for but I never thought it would come. Well their not exactly bad news, could be worse, but they're unfortunate enough. As it seem I'll be gone for a couple of days - Yes, Steive..I should've stayed home, but I didn't it's hard to undo that - I'm almost done with the gifts to those I care about. And I'm not going to miss a close friend's arrival, only eight days now^^ and *urk* only ten days left till Christmas :s so little time, so much to do :S

Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer - Jean de La Fontaine

Well enough whining, I found a couple of Christmas gifts for some friends^^ I hope they'll like it^^ enjoy hugies for all

A little guidance

Since Christmas is approaching fast I thought perhaps I should let you guys out there in on a little secret about how the female mind works. It's not all evil or incomprehensible. When a girl hold her tongue, millions of things are running through her mind. When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply. When she looks at you with eyes full of questions, she wonders how much longer you will stay. If she answers " I'm fine " after a few seconds or if she avoid the question, she is far from fine. If she stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying. When a girl lays on your chest, she is wishing for you to be hers forever. When she wants to see you everyday, she wishes to be pampered.

If you ever hear the words " I love you " come across her lips, she means it. And it should not be taken lightly. If you hear her say " I miss you ", no one in this world can miss you more than that.


To the girls out there: Life only comes around once make sure you spend it with the right person. Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, calls you back when you hang up on him. Who will stay awake just to watch you sleep. Wait for the guy who, kisses your forehead. He wish to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats. Who holds your hand in front of his friends. Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you. Who turns to his friends and says, " That's her!! " or gives you the look that says he'll protect you because he cares. If you doubt whether or not he's the one, ask your selves: Does he make me feel as if the worries of the world is far beyond your reach?

Right back at you

Good news seldom comes alone..Isn't that how the saying goes? Although there's no mention of what comes along with the good, welcomed news. From today it's only twelve more days till a dear friend, who has taken upon herself the long journey home, will arrive in what should have been this snow clothed country far up north. My math exam went... I passed... Although I panicked and was disappointed when I received it earlier today, taken the circumstances into consideration(as a friend reminded me) it doesn't really matter whether I passed or not. It shows strength or just pure stupidity that I am not too far behind with school work. Some has tried to convince me that I should retake IB, however I can't be bothered - Yes, I am stubborn. Which will be proven the next - whatever period of time - until I am either healthy enough to disregard my doctor's advice or ill enough to realise I have to follow his advice or else :/ Then again Christmas is coming up and somehow I believe that some doofus will try and force or fool me into taking the advice... Right now I'm waiting for my dad to be done at work so that I can be on my way to that place again:( However I'll keep intact my roots, perhaps change a few leafs on the way but not my principles...

The tenth today... So lets see how many days left till this crazy period is over/just begun(who knows), yes fourteen days.Oh sweet agony... Today's quotes:

"One's art goes as far and as deep as one's love goes" - Andrew Wyeth & "The art of love is largely the art of persistence" - Albert Ellis

Winter, here to stay?

Guess what I saw today when I woke?
It was snowing^^ Finally winter. The best time of the year. Nobody who taunts me for being to white - too colourless. Not my fault btw, either I become red as a tomato or I can stay white as the snow. Think I'd rather stay white, the red does not suit me and it arrive with certain tenderness.
So here I am sitting on my little terrace rapped in blankets, with a cup tea, and my laptop in my lap. I most certainly love the cold. Strange how I can't feel it now, but earlier this winter or autumn as it were I was shivering as every wimp out there. Guess I'm regaining my strength. My heritage has at last returned^^ I am after all of the cold north, snow and ice is in my blood. Then again I have less of that blood, however, it doesn't matter the cold air is fielding my lungs. I feel more alive now then in ages... Fifteen days left or perhaps some would count thirteen.

To create one's own world in any of the arts takes courage. Love is an energy which exists of itself. It is its own value. Search for it, and you may find it.

Calender!!!

I sat down to think. I haven't really been content lately, and I stopped to think why. What's wrong? Besides from the obvious? Well frankly that's a lot. Lots I wish I hadn't lost and a lot I wish I never gained. Summing up and I reached a conclusion that I am in red concerning what I don't have. Amongst those a functional family, a good relationship to my parents or the feeling of belonging to a family(Sad to say it's lost). Though there's my dad's mother, she's fabulous. She's raised me and played the part my mother should've since my birth. I owe her so much and only the Goods know how much I care for her. But her husband had a regular saying he used to repeat when I and my brother felt bad whilst growing up, concerning the relationship to our parents.

Friends are the family you chose yourself.

I have a lot of friends, very good and close friends. So I guess I have something resembling a family. But it's sort of sad that I don't have that with my own family, or that's to say with my mother. Nonetheless great friends! So what's wrong then? There's no snow;( I WANT SNOW!! That's one. It's Christmas ..soon...And I have NO calender O.o Hm..What to do about that. It has always been the calender that gave me the Christmas joy and spirit. Can't have the conventional calender with chocolate or candy so something else. Ah! I know although it's a bit late to start but never mind that. From to day and up till the 24th December I'll post a post as a slot in my calender. Let the count down begin^^ Today's the 8th so that means it's 16 days left or 14 days till a dear friend comes home^^

Today's quote: Kisses, even to the air, are beautiful - Drew Barrymore

December Strength

From early December: I was at that place again where you have nothing else to do then to think, unless you're sleeping. Once in the beginning of this, I was placed in a room with a 7 years old girl. She had severe lung cancer. That wasn't all she had, and the diagnosis the doctors gave her was not good. She would most likely die before Christmas. It didn't look as if she would make it since her body would not except any donor found so far. However she and her family was not devastated. They saw hope where others would have given in to disappear. When everyone had gone and only she and I remained, she told me that she didn't fare death. She merely saw it as a possible road. She said she loved her family and that she knew they loved her back, and that they'd do everything they could for her. And if she died despite that, at least she would know they'd tried. I was amassed. She was so strong, and I, several years older then her, was scared and worrying about how this would affect those I held dearest and I was longing to experience all that which I had yet to experience. She taught me how she was so calm. Her strength came from that her family, she said. Well I have never relied on family, but at that time it felt like i had a family. Only a few people as ever meant that much to me that although they weren't my family it felt like they were. She thought me how to be strong about this. Cause even in the worst case scenario, strength is what's decides if you win or not. Even if defeat is the scenario you can still go out in victory. Wonder what became of this wise girl. Is these days her last, or did they find her cure? Light a candle for her, lets hope her strength won through. Cheers! This is for you.

Insomnia

Since last Thursday we've been subjects to the mock exams:S It's been horrible at times, but surprisingly, the subjects I thought I'd do poorest in seemed to be the ones I am less worried about. Quite frankly I liked the mock exams. Vary strange but I managed to prove that I can write far more in an hour then I could in five. I am less worried about the future tests to come now. But during the exams an old friend came visiting. Insomnia she's called. Strange how she comes creeping back after such along time. I guess old friends are hard to shake. Well I just hope the exams went respectfully OK.

Insomnia can become a form of contemplation. You just lie there, inert, helpless, alone, in the dark, and let yourself be crushed by the inscrutable tyranny of time - Thomas Merton

Incognito

The scenario is not new. You have thought of it often since you learned what the feelings and thoughts actually meant. You thought you knew what to say , but it turners out no matter how many hundred times you have gone through it in your mind you could never have expected what would happened. If the opportune moment were to present its self, you would say what your heart was bearing. Yet somehow when the opportune moment presents its self, you felt better as to let it slide. For it could hurt more then heal even though it could make it easier. Better to let it slide. Send those thoughts in to hiding and live as normal.


The crocked smile, you remember. To let it slide was better. The crocked smile can be felt now and then. Snow is sliding down from the heavens to seal your decision, or perhaps it is rain. You'd rather it be snow

Change your opinions, keep to your principles; change your leaves, keep intact your roots. - Victor Hugo

Every time we say goodbye, I die a little. Every time we say goodbye, I wonder why a little.

Painfully bored

A friend of mine posted this yesterday I think and then an other copied it and then I of course had to do the same:P Am at home at the moment trying to ignore the pains. I miss natural-painkillers. Strange to think that they'll disappear after a long-stupid time with pains.... ;( So am I a boy or a girl or maybe a towngirl?

Your boy side

[x] You love hoodies. (They make me feel hidden...)

[x] You love jeans.

[x] Dogs are better than cats. (Loyalty folk!)

[ ] It's hilarious when people get hurt.

[x] You've played with/against boys on a team. (Swimming, we beat the guys^^)

[x] Shopping is torture.(Don't really like it, but what should we do in stead?)

[ ] Sad movies suck.

[ ] You own an X-Box. (PC that's what I got.)

[x] Played with Hotwheels cars as a kid.(Strangely enough that happens when you best friend is a boy)

[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.(I used to have an uncle who was one and I idolized him)

[ ] You own a DS, PS2 or Sega.

[ ] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.

[x] You watch sports on TV. (Depends what's on, but SkiVM and OL is a must)

[ ] Gory movies are cool.

[x] You go to your dad for advice.

[ ] You own like a trillion baseball caps.

[ ] You like going to football games.[I don't mind, cause it's something special to be at the stadion)

[ ] You used to/do collect baseball cards.

[ ] Baggy pants are cool to wear.

[ ] It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people. (NO!It's nice:D)

[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors. (Green!!!Come on I'm a tree for crying out loud. However I find black nice)

[ ] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.

[x] Sports are fun.(depends what kinds but I love some^^Just to bad I'm so lazy:D)

[ ] Talk with food in your mouth.

[ ] Wear boxers.

Total = 11 points

Your Girl Side

[ ] You wear lip gloss. (HEEEELL NO!Keep those things away from my lips)

[ ] You love to shop.

[ ] You wear eye-liner.

[x] You have some of the same shirts in different colors.

[ ] You wear the colour pink. (Wouldn't be seen dead wearing it)

[x] Go to your mom for advice.

[ ] You consider cheerleading a sport.

[ ] You hate wearing the colour black.

[ ] You like hanging out at the mall.

[ ] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.

[x] You like wearing jewellery. (A necklace, rings and ear rings^^)

[x] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.(Though that doesn't say much, it's the only things that's actually folded or hung neatly in my closet)

[ ] Shopping is one of your favourite hobbies.

[ ] You don't like the movie Star Wars.

[x] You are/were in cheerleading, gymnastics or dance.(dance and gymnastics when I was little:D)

[x] It takes you around 1 hour to shower, get dressed, and put on make-up and accessories. (Shower as long as I can stand the cold, but I don't do make-up)

[x] You smile a lot more than you should. (Apparently I've got crocked smile though, and I laugh of the most unfunny things^^')

[x] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.

[ ] You care about what you look like.(Not really as long as I feel comfortable I don't care how I appear for people, not that I go around smelling or anything like that, but there are more important things in life)

[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.

[x] You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.(Perfume's nice)

[x] You wear girl underwear.(Well dah..)

[x] Used to play with dolls as little kid.

[ ] Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy of it.

[ ] Like taking pictures of yourself with your cell phone/camera when you're bored.

Total: 12 points

Wow O.o That's not a huge difference but doesn't matter I'm a girl I'm aloud:P Be well people listen to good advise and tongue the bad once:B

Today, while doing research for my formal orals, which is on Wednesday:s*help!*, I found an article on BBC's websites dated back to January the 13th 2007, about a prisoner moved to Belmarsh HM Prison. Belmarsh is a top-security prison in London. It is ranked as a category A prison which is the most secure prisons in England. The article introduces us to Joe Farnan, who is charged with escaping from custody and breaking out of prison. So strange and randomly I came over this article. There was a picture there too, he looked so frightened and yet he lookes content in the picture...Just felt like I had to enlighten you guy...


The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned. Let your self go and concentrate...What else can you do? Don't shut me out...Cause I'll send moose on you:P

Ordinary day

"Is there no hope?" the sick asked. The silent doctor shook his head and took his leave with signs of sorrow, despairing of his fee to-morrow. "Is there no hope? How can that be?" the sick said to him self before the world outside the window. "If there are no hope then how come I can still see the world unravel before my eyes?"

Time went by and the doctor slid through the door "We can see this unravel. The world has just smiled at you, a crocked smile, but a smile nonetheless".

Just a day, just an other ordinary day. And if we walk now we will divide and conquer this land. Do you not realise that our dreams are right in the palm of our hand. Please come with me. See what I see. Understand my view, be amazed by it. Time will not flee, cause time know she is already running out. As any other woman she knows that when time is running short you stall. She aims. Just a dream, just an ordinary dream. As you wake in bed you think time is not a question, was it all in my head?
It all seemed so real. But as I looked to the door I saw that door, this room and all were part of a deal. Live while you can, do you not see your dreams are right in the palm of your hand.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Today I was actually not sleepy(!), but man how tired aren't I? I try to relax and shift into the sweet calming land of dreams, but I have no access to that land without a lunch consisting of several pinex fortes... At least I'm getting glasses some time next week. So the headaches will disappear.
Child of the wilderness, born into emptiness. Learn to be lonely, learn to find your way in darkness. Who will be there for you, comfort and care for you. Learn to be lonely, learn to be your one companion. Never dreamed out in the world there are arms to hold you, you've always know your heart was on it's own. So laugh in your loneliness, child of the wilderness, learn to be lonely. learn how to love life that is lived alone. Thank the Gods I have friends, thank you all*hugies*

A slight relief

SANMUN is this weekend in Sandefjord. I've done my research, and it is so much which is actually relevant to Ireland's view in the social, humanitarian and cultural committee. I've been shortening it down to the most relevant policies, information and actions for days and yet I have to much...:S But at least I am prepared. I must say, although I am anxious about the conference, I am not that a costume to the formality and am scared to humiliate my self and my delegation, I am looking forward to it.^^ It has provided some inconveniences, concerning my diet and all. And the stock of homework I am getting done, I know I have done them but I cannot seem to remember any of the content.


The last couple of weeks, according to many sources, I have driving my self to hard and acting accordingly, but I have to keep it up no matter what. I can not say I have not noticed the affect of my actions, for that I have for some time now, I keep telling my self I have to press on; Just a little bit more while you're at it. If not, if I surrender how am I ever going to pass IB and see to my other responsibilities? I do my homework thoroughly and I read through it as always, but now even that work and effort is not enough to make me get by at school. I am failing classes I like and which I though I would preform the best in. I fall a sleep during class, which of course does not help, and I am getting tired and annoyed more quickly. Although certain things are not improving, rather the contrary, something has improved. All though I am not convalescing, I learnt to day that my iron levels has increased and stabilised them selves. Tea is drinkable again^^, I can still not drink coffee and have to do with other awakening drinks or methods. But the tea is as if sent from heaven. But good news seldom comes with out some bad; In theory I am suppose to be worse of then I am, which is good to know I am doing better then I ought to, yet I know from what I also learnt today; I will be tired and over worked for many weeks, months to come and I am afraid I will not make nice company. This has already started, and I am not really thinking clearly. And for those this has effected and I have been hard on, I apologise, and especially to a dare friend(that only wanted to help me make the right decision). I am sorry but know this, I do care, although I act the other way, which makes it so freaking hard. Just bare with me, ignore me. Some of you are doing so;P



Anyhow I am actually content at the moment, and cannot bother to care. At the present I am sitting at my desk with my computer, my research and a cup of TEA!!! I have not been able to drink tea in a long while, just that alone is giving me new strengths.

Quote

Love does not begin as we seem to think it does. "He looks at her, she looks at him. Their hands touch, they see in to each others eyes. Their lips meet in a sweet kiss." This is the dream, the fantasy. For most this is far form the truth, but on the rare occasion it does happen, and you are flying from that moment on.

Love is a battle, you struggle to find your ground. Struggle to steady yourself, you're pulled at from every side. Some times pushed even. Love is a war. If you've let it into your heart you'll be lucky if you'll ever see it leave. Once it's in there, you've got a troubled heart. Second guessing becomes your ground, worrying, reasoning.



Love does not begin as we seem to think, nor does it end that way. Hope. Hope is devastated by the truth of life, by reality; love is growing up. Begins with infatuation, develops to love if you are that lucky. To bad it's not synchronized

Final destination

It seems to me that life is determined, not by the absence of death and that which follows, but by the presents of death and all those casualties. The light we may see in the end of the tunnel, when death roared over us but not yet due with time, is the goal of our life. The ending of all that is contradictory from our essence. The new beginning at life's end.





Yesterday. A day, which once meant so much. Now it seemed as just an other day in an uncertain range of days to come. The day represented multiple notifications. Amongst those my bothers birthday. Strange how that date also happened to provide me with an wider understanding of the phrase "you must get worse before you can become better". Strange how a date of joy for my brother also mark a turning point in my own life, both good and bad it was. Both the good memories and the bad news, were apparently of no significant then, or now. Nevertheless I still looked over my shoulder with emotions.





It seems to me that life changes in a split second. Never constant, always changing. You're happy with the small changes in life, even some vital news given that should shake your existence can be over looked, whilst life in it's whole is looking bright. Other news devastates you, and those news don't even have to be vital. It's the small things that destroy you. And life is never constant.




It seems to me that the only constant we know in life, is death and the new beginning there after. What will be your final destination if you could see death, like the youth in the "final destination" - films. Would you run, or embrace her?



edit: Life nurses it's seed to grow therefore she must be a caring mother, then death must be an other kind of mother, who's kindness and truthfulness sets you free or capture you before you were due.

Pridie....Je change d'avis

Die quarto ante idus octobres nata sum...:s

People's on their way, food is prepared, soft tunes of music comes swimming through the air from the living room. Drinks ready to be served. There they are. Foot steps. The door bell. Greetings of warm, friendly embraces. I welcome them. They take of their coats and strutter in to the living room. Music is playing. The stereo plays familiar tunes, yet the tunes I seem unable to recognise. Seventeen. What a life. I wonder do they know? And does it matter? Everyone is apparently enjoying them selves.

I get by with a little help from my friends. What to do without them? Loneliness is not to be alone, but to not have anyone to miss. Do I really want this? That is what I want. Still doubt. Crocked smile. Enjoy with praise. Forth and back, laughter. Enlightenment. Night. Dreams...



Je change d'avis

Do not fret...

How to explain. Have you ever found yourself in the situation there you have been given the knowledge of something significant? This knowledge you find strange and in a sense scary yet not terrifying. You understand that no matter what, keep hope, secure hope. You are wise enough to foretell three possible outcomes: You can foretell difficult times before the end, yet while one path lean down toward the edge of your limits, there will be a light shining in the distance. An other path will be to much, yet the third you will leave with only the shadow hanging over you. You can foretell that hard times lies ahead, no matter which path the future beholds. The choice you are faced with is: do you go down your path alone, or do you drag others down with you?

Who wishes to worry friends, family or even their love? If they know that that which is significant, is only the potential for something serious, then why fare the worst? Why tell, when everything might turn out as if nothing ever where wrong? They wait and see. And if they start to notice the effect, then they turn to seek comfort.

We must remember that potential is only the possibility that something might arise, not a prophecy of the future. Along with the possibility you will find side effects that can not be ignored, although everything will turn out for the best

"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - Gandalf the Gray

Listen to this music and be calm: http://www.myspace.com/augustana
[/edit]

"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean: if a few drops of ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

- Gandhi



If you're afraid of death, then you're afraid to live. And if that's your fear you can never help others, which provide the true joy of life.

Coffee and Cigarettes

"Wake up , take your pills dear, you came down with a sickness, shot down back in Christmas"...
" One night...when you woke up, you bled till you spoke up. Oh this ain't pretty dear. With clocks, watch the time go...til' spring, when the sun can finally be free..."
"And I'm sure you've lost that weight again,
I'm sure the pills keeping pouring in,
Like smoke that falls, Caving into you. Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere...with you"
- Augustana

My words..*snufs*

After breakfast, I thought I should continue my writing. I found all my different "Book"files and thought it was time I gathered them all in one document. I sat there writing the different parts of my story together and started on a new chapter. Then, a couple of hours later, I had a 35 pages long draft ready. I thought I should take a well deserved break and so I ate lunch. After lunch I did my homework and I did some researched on various subjects. Then the horror message came: Virus detected.... When I realised my laptop was ill;( The virus was removed, but so where all the infected files, and amongst those files was most of my writings T_T. My draft was gone!!!:( All my hours of writing and thinking: vanished, just like that*snufs*

Luckily I had backup on some of those unfinished documents of my book. However most of it is gone with the wind:( What shall I do?

"Pain is only an illusion"

Heritage I'll cherish till the end. Heritage can lead you into darkness, where uncertainties lie. As darkness closes in. I'm surrounded by shadows, I shiftily know. I've lived my life, no regrets to go on, now. I move on. As time shift from then to now. Confusion stumbles in, as an old friend.

"Your physic can be neglected if, and only if, your mind remain focused"

Hum?!

Awoken by the gentle sound of flapping wings, from one of nature's beauties trapped inside the bottle of Human life. The fair creature sees her world changed through a window. Down the road a human village, a suburb as of today.

We were strangers starting out on a journey, on a crazy adventure. I never dreamt what we'd have to go through. Now I'm standing at end looking back at our beginning, no one told me, I was going to find you. When I lost hope, you were there to remind me: Life is never ending, a road we most walk, only your choices builds the path we must follow. Now here we stand unafraid of the future.

As the butterfly gently came to a halt on my finger, I awoke. Finally aware to the world once again. How fragile life is, how uncertain. It can change so abruptly but so gently. The butterfly sifts it's wings and of it flew. Sleep came over me again.


Edit: Comnia vincent amor et amor fati? Non, comnia vincent amicitia...Quid amicitia est?

Hic die!

Hic die te rogio: meam cures?
Qui meam amat, et cum posse amante dicere sum?

Sum et mea vita semper libertas habeo; meam pati finis meam vita in libertam; sed iam tempus etiam ad rem aliquis. Meam amore mens ad te dari. Non vere cupeo iterum amare.





Gustave Courbet said once:

I am fifty years old and I have always lived in freedom; let me end my life free; when I am dead let this be said of me: ”He belonged to no school, to no church, to no institution, to no academy, least of all to any régime except the régime of liberty

Friendship lasts forever

Wednesday was horrid. We ended a seven and a half months long relationship, after school. I had foreseen it, and so had he, I believe. And to say that that made it any easier, would be laying. I'll admit to crying. To lose love is never easy for anyone, and to lose such a great love, I think I'll never truly will get over, not this lost love, but as times goes one, life does move on. I'll wonder what would've happened if it hadn't ended four days ago. Or if I hadn't foreseen it. But it wouldn't have made any difference. The result is what happened and I can't go back. It's not up to me. However how much I'd rather have everything back to the sweet couply-times, I've learnt that I must accept the situation. Love comes an goes but friendship lasts a lifetime.



Thursday was strange. It housed a sort of emptiness and feeling of despair I never truly understood or have experienced before. Friends tried to comfort me by among many things "bitching" but I couldn't enjoy that. I don't believe that bitching helps and further more I don't have it in me to bitch about the ended relationship. To much still dear to me. We ended up eating ice cream with chocolate sauce and talking about the past, friends and about how much that have changed this year. I found it comforting and cosy but at the same time frustrating and sad. I felt lose, and longing. But then all that changed on Friday. During the school day, I felt nothing, not sad, not happy, not longing, no feelings in particular, nothing! But that couldn't last long. After school I began to feel again, and in the evening I was overwhelmed by emotions. I really appreciate that he still wants to be my friend, and that he took time or just the fact that he bothered to comfort me even though he's not obliged to do so any more. He sat there during my little break down. He listened with patience, compassion and he even held around me. I know it didn't mean anything more then a friendly hug. I think that made me realise it is truly over. But not lost. We're still friends, and still close, I dare say.



I woke up at a friend's house today. I was in a melancholic mode, sort of longing without hope of reaching and just sad for all those times that would've come. It struck me that I'll be alone one more birthday. But my lane of thought was quickly broken by the others who also had spent the night at my friend's place. After awhile we began to play singstar, but it was short lived 'cause I had to hurry to catch the subway. I was to be in a meeting, where he also would be attending. I was fine, but I needed to talk to him alone, but I wasn't able. Just as well, actually. I wasn't ready earlier today. But after tonight I believe I am. When I got home we talked , I think I sort of scared him away a little, but it was a short dialogue, he had to make dinner^^ We all need food, so hopefully not. I went to bed right after this, but then our mutual "French-friend" contacted me over the net and I sat there talking with her for awhile before I fell a sleep. (one thing he taught me, I can sleep without worries)We both have a mutual friend who've moved to Toulouse for a year. She's a really good friend to the two of us. Don't know what to do with out her. When I woke up at seven or something, I must have sorted out my thoughts and emotions while I slept. Because when I woke I understood, and I accepted that I'm not in charge of this broken relationship. You have to be two and without the one you can have no other. As I know deep down, I'll always care for him in one way or the other, as boyfriend or as a friend makes no difference. Not now.



This clarity, however, didn't hit me before I was pleasantly surprised by a phone call from France. It was our mutual friend. She wonder how I was and I told her. She has recently been through something very similar, and has been a great comfort and a fantastic friend to me since I first realised it was ending. We talked for over an hour about many things between heaven and earth but mostly the recent end. I must remember to thank her, for she made me see everything in perspective. And perspective alone makes a huge difference. She always know how to make you feel better. I'm going to miss her, but I'll probably talk to her every day and I'll see her at Christmas. I envy her a year in France. She deserves it.



As of this moment I can say that I'm ready to move on. Life's life and it becomes what ever you make of it. I foresaw the end and it didn't make any difference, but to dwell over spelt milk isn't the way I wish to live my life. I'm accepting that what once was is in the past and that the future lies only ahead for the one who dares to move on.



Some regret, there will always be. It is only natural, but I'm mostly grateful for the time we did spend together and I don't want things to change any further than it has of now with the one other person, which over the last seven and a half months has grown to know me more than anyone else and better than I ever dreamed anyone would come. I hope we may remain good and close friends. If I were to lose him completely I have no idea what would become of me. Friends can actually be just as good as or even better than the step above sometimes...



I'm grateful that he was there during these past months, we went through so much together and I feel that the two of us have grown accordingly. I owe him incredibly much, I hope he realise that I'm here for him. He was there for me when I needed it. When I was closing the doors to my past and when I opened those of my future. For now all that the both of us can do, is to keep in touch, 'cause the seven and a half months long trust we founded, doesn't disappear over night. Neither does the knowledge we possesses of one an other.



I'm looking into the future, my life lies behind those doors and I intend to go through them with peace at mind. Not with a lost love but with a gained friendship.

Life goes one

I tend to take all my worries a bit too serious and I always worry to much, however the things I dread and worry usually just slip by as nothing, but sometimes they do come true. And when it do happen, the thing I dreaded I wish I hadn't thought about. If I didn't worry, than maybe, just maybe, everything might have turned out just as fine as always. I'll never know and no good can ever come from looking back, however tempting that might be. I learned that the hard way. Though the things one dread come true and they become a pain in the ass, don't make them all bad. They can turn out for the better or end one phase and be the start of an other.





Today I met my boyfriend down town after school. I wish I hadn't, but it was the right thing to do. Both of us have witnessed our relationship fading. I don't know how he felt at first but I tried to ignore it. If I just managed to do something before we grew apart then maybe this wouldn't have been necessary. We both knew by our selves that it wasn't working, however, I hoped, and I still hope that the path both of us are looking for will revile it self,and that it will lead us together again. I know this is wishful thinking and that whatever happens I will always love and care for him. However one door closes as an other one opens. Luckily we still remain friends. And we're still close, I think, I hope!



We had only been together for seven months but these few months, seems to have lasted a lifetime. I've evolved and grown enough for a lifetime. It is with regret I say that it is over, for I still care about him, about us, what we had, what others saw in us. But I am so glad we still remain friends, if not then I don't know how to cope with this. If we're through, we're through, but if we still got a change on a prosperous relationship I want to give it a try. However, we're two about this, and friends is for now, the best I deare hope for.

Thoughts

Descartes explained once how simple it is to tell whether you're really awake and a live. He said: cogito ergo sum, I think therefore I am, and became worldly known ever since. This isn't all he produced as a philosopher and scientist, not by far, but this is nevertheless how we remember him.



Descartes said that thoughts are the very key to existence, but how can we be sure that our thoughts are not just an other nightmare? The human mind is so chaotic, and how could it not be, with every experience and situation we take in every day. Inside our tiny heads, lies the essence of ourselves; our moral, our emotions, our personality, and all of these are easily influenced and changes all the time. If we change all the time then our prospectives does as well, and if that is the case our thoughts changes as well.



We sleep, or at least some do, during the time spent sleeping we go through different stages of sleep or stages of relaxation. And during these stages we dream in various forms, some good, some bad, some absurd, and curtain dreams are so real you wake up from them because your body thought the dream was real and it moved in correspondence with your dream. Now if you can move at a bases of a dreamt movement, then you certainly can think during a dream, cause movement require thought, then how do we differ between a nightmare and reality?

Friday

Today I had my first English lesion at IB. It was really great, I know most of my fellow English B HL students and the teacher isn't bad.



However I'm looking forwards to TOK-theory of knowledge, in the second period tomorrow with Michael Watters(hihi no Jean^^). It's a philosophical course, and I absolutely love philosophy!^^ But, now, because off some stupid doctor's appointment, I might be late or even miss it!



I can wait till Tuesday, it's no big deal !



However, I've got arts tomorrow as well, and I'm not missing that class. Though I'll doubt I'll miss it, it's not until 1235^^(long lunch)That's going to become my favourite subject, I hope^^

Yeah, no sense at all

I have no idea why I'm writing this, yet along why I'm publishing this. However it helps. This is just random thoughts, and yes, they seem a bit crazy, naive and well...you'll see. I'm a bit crazy, I suppose, but I'm still mentally reliable (I think) so don't think I've gone totally wacko ^^

What to do on days like these? Just because you lost or misplaced something of value, you think you can't be trusted, you feel totally like a four year old. So stupid and irresponsible.

I never lose anything this important. My wallet has been my one possession that I always kept track of. Mostly because it meant I could lift some worries off my chest. But seeing how wonderful this year was destined to be, I am no longer required to live my life as if I was thirty years older. I no longer have to keep track of my economy, to worry about it all. Now, when it is no longer essential, I go and lose it, my valet is gone! I've looked high and low, gone crazy about losing it in the first place, and gone even more crazy about not finding it. Feeling torn between stupidity, embarrassment, and relief. Who knows, perhaps I am a bit stupid, but not entirely. The wallet is gone but I remain lucky, 'cause my card and student ID was placed somewhere else, I must have done it without thinking. 'cause they are always there in my valet. But when it got lost, they were somewhere else, luckily. Some would say this is a sign. But I don't think so. Yet I couldn't help but to think, and I began to gaze out my window.

"It's really a beautiful day, birds are singing, sun's bright, I have my friends in mind and my family around. People outside are having fun and they are enjoying these last days of summer."

Although I know I ought to get some things done before the sun rises again, I just stopped looking for things to do. Sitting there thinking, lost in thought. I thought was this really such a bad thing? The losing of my wallet has made me realised, I'm to dependent on things that really doesn't matter.

When you're enjoying the moment, taking a break. Thinking about the past, how things are and how it seems that everything turns out for the best even when you mess up big time. It gives a kind of relief, a kind of calm. All things in do time, as they say. Maybe loosing my valet wasn't such a bad omen. Maybe it had to happen so that I could think.

"Time to think, is time well spent",

said once a very wise person. He also taught me that even when you mess up, although you lose something you oughtn't have lost, something essential, it might just be just as well. It's really naive to think this way, I know, but then again I'm known to be a bit naive. My grandfather always told me that it isn't such a bad thing to be naive, but it could be misleading, however he always told us that everything happens for a reason. I never believed that, not quite anyway. I always thought we do what we do based on our emotions. Our game, our consequences and no reason other then the ones behind our actions, our feelings taking part. But I guess I think that he might've been on to something now, because I miss him, and I can see that my grandmother is struggling to with the lause as well. And I think that's what makes this so hard for me. She always told me to keep track of my economy and such, because then I may be able to live my life as I'd like. But seeing her reaction when I told her I'd lost my valet with money in it, she seemed relieved.

What a strange world, aye? Or shall I say what a strange mind I've got? Hm, and this certainly makes no sense at all....

Je veux savoir - Phil Collins(tarzan)

Je veux savoir lyrisme - Je souhaite que je pourrais comprenez ce texte de chanson



Tout ce que tu fais
Je le ferai
Apprends-moi ce que je ne connais pas
Tout ce que tu sais
N’est rien encore pour moi



Il y a tant de choses à savoir
Semblant si près, pourtant si loin
Je me vois comme les autres me voient
Mais il y a quelque chose de plus grand là-bas



Je veux savoir, montre-les-moi
Ces étrangers qui seraient faits comme moi
Apprends-moi, montre-les-moi
Ces inconnus qui seraient pareils à moi



Tous ses mouvements, tous les gestes, qu’elle fait
Me font des frissons dans le corps
Pourquoi je sens ce besoin d’être toujours près d'elle



Toutes ces émotions nouvelles
D’un monde nouveau, loin, très loin d'ici
Au-delà des arbres et des nuages
Je vois devant moi un autre horizon



Je veux savoir, montre-les-moi
Ces étrangers qui seraient faits comme moi
Apprends-moi, montre-les-moi
Ces inconnus qui seraient pareils à moi



Viens voir ce monde qui est le mien
Il est plus beau que dans tes rêves
Le sens-tu ce que mon coeur
Ressent pour toi
Prends ma main
Vers ce monde que je veux voir



Je veux savoir, montre-les-moi
Ces étrangers qui seraient faits comme moi
Apprends-moi, montre-les-moi
Ces inconnus qui seraient pareils à moi
Je veux savoir

To this year, who soon will fade

Somebody once told me the world is a scary place, and I should never really let my guard down.
"Although you're intelligent, you're a softy and you tend to not use your brain at times."
Did I listen? NO! Of course I didn't.
I let friends come first and let my responsibilities go, I postponed it, meaning to go back and see them through. But time came and went and I never saw them through. I guess I thought it didn't matter. It just didn't make sense not to live for fun. As we said, my so called friends and I; Live by the rules and your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb, so, what's the fun in that?
There's just to much to do, so much to see. If you worry about the rules then how could you possibly see it all? So what's the harm in taking the back streets a few times?
You'll never know if you don't jump in. After all it's your life and you can do as you'd like. You're the Rock Star, so get the show on, get paid and all that jazz. Only know-it-all's break the mode.



We were fools and flouting on clouds, we were bound to fall down sooner or later. However I never expected it to be such an abruptly fall as it came to be, we knew it couldn't continue.
The world is a cold place and they say it gets colder. Not a place for anyone who find them self to be naive and soft at heart. But the meteor men beg to differ, "judging by the hole in the satellite picture, it's getting warmer" The world is becoming a better place they say?



I couldn't believe it. I need to get myself away, needed some time to think. To bad that time took to long. When it was over, and I my self was ready, it was to late. To late to go back. Nothing to be done about that. What a concept, everyone could use a little change but we can realise it to late, and then there'll be no turning back. No, back to the rules and to hitting the ground running, if needed before we see the light.



Didn't make sense to live for fun, not any more, not if it's fun at any expense. Sure, your experiences grow, but nothing more. So much to do, so much to see? Well you'll have all your life, so why risk it? Slow down? I've lived to much.


I was slowing down for a while, and I'd thought I was going to slow down for good, but no. Life is suppose to be for fun. I see that now, and above all mysterious. Live for fun! Any thing can happen, so if you dread the bad, then how can you possibly experience the good? You just have to make the best of it. Jump in! The bad, for better or for worse, changes you. And for one, I think change is good, it led to this years outcome. Although you don't realise that a change is needed before you hit the ground, the downfall can led to a higher uprising then the change needed before....



For me the downfall was tough. And the time after was terrible, but refreshing and reassuring. Glad I found my self, in the worst of times(subjectively speaking) or rather that the change didn't find me before the downfall. My only regret is that it took to long to realise that the downfall was for the best. To much time wasted looking back. The last year has been a goldmine, and it made me realise that my past, present and future construct the "I" I'll always be, and am now. Let's see what there is to be done and to be viewed. 'cause the world is no longer cold or a scary place, it has grown brighter with every ounce of this year.

melodious

Rain, rain where have you been?

Why are you falling with thunder and lightning? Did you not know?

Or perhaps, you did not count for others to care. You feel alone. It's all your fault?

You must let us in. Let us help, we are all here for you. We may hinder your fall.

Fall as you might, we are here to catch you either way, before you hit the ground.

Though I know, this ought to be for you, for you to decide.

But the fields are green and humid. The fire is out.

You are humid and wet. Our saviour at last.

This is what you bring, life to all who see.

And so we may taste your waters. That's how we live, just getting by...

Intelligent? Man kind? No?!

A few weeks ago I watched CSI and there had been killings linked to a cult of believers who believed that the authorities was reptiles from outer space, and that it was their job to protect the human race. Absurdly as this may sound, there truly are people out there that believe this!

But that's not why I liked this episode. No! It was because of this punch line^^ that Grissom, the senior inspector, made addressed too Sarah: "Do you think there's intelligent life on an other planet." Sarah:"I don't even know if there's intelligent life here."

An excellent point she got there, isn't it? You can't but start to wonder, Is there really intelligent life here? I mean we do stupid things all the time, and we don't always clean up the mess we've made after ourselves. Now do we?
And how could an intelligent, a truly intelligent race sit still and allow such great suffering occur, such suffering that's on earth? How come so many animals or insects, amphibians, birds and fish are on the verge of extinction, and many so because of us, because of our actions and reckless behavior?

The Forgotten exam

This Tuesday the exam particaipants is 1 grade of Norewgian upper secondery school was anounced. At my school only thirty or so students in 11th grade were announced as such, and they where my entire class. Seeing how we are the Pre-IB (a course which prepare the students to take IB, an international school system that is more challenging then the Norwegian) we were not surprised to be picked (even though the participants are picked totally random). Although most of us were not surprised, we'd rather have the opportunity to skip this exam and just participate in the oral examinations this summer. The traditions are that we are given all the information that is relevant for the exam, except the preparation sheet, on this day. We were told that we should be as focused on our selves as possible because they wanted us to do our very best at the exam and be as well prepared as we can be, and they said they would do everything they could to help us. However, today, our preparation day (exams tomorrow :s) we were first given a room on the floor above the office. This room had no computers, but that's okay because there were some practical information we had to go through first. But then we were thrown out of this room because someone had lessons there. We got another room, and this room had a few computers, but not enough for the whole class. Just minutes after we had gone through the sheet and asked question as to what this meant we should prepare for, we were thrown out again! The head of teaching at our school had reserved two computer rooms and made all the arrangements for us so that we may work as efficiently as possible, somehow this arrangement had gone by unnoticed by the teachers, and we were thrown about as ping pong balls. We have exams tomorrow and the outcome will account for half our grade in English. I for one, believe that we should be prioritized, and given a room where we could study and prepare us self for our upcoming exam. Our English teacher had a class this morning with her other English class and she chose to teach this lesion and then come and help us with our preparations. Though she didn't know much, seeing how our year (90) we are the first students in the new curriculum that are given the written exams. Wouldn't you prioritize the class, who has an upcoming exam? Even the head of teaching at our school wasn't given adequate information. Many would agree that not even the ministry, who composed this new curriculum, know quite what they are doing. I've grown used to be shuffled aside to make room for others, but when it is my and my fellow students' examination on the line, I'm not about to be shuffled aside for the good or convince of others. Before the exam I expect the school and the other classes who don’t have an upcoming exam to make room and back of! We should be helped and guided as much as possible and receive the goodwill of everyone else. And they could to be treated as ping pong balls in stead! I just needed to get some of the rage, frustration, and annoyance out of my system so that I may rest at ease before the examination tomorrow, which it seems everyone else, has forgotten all about.

Many things are said and done.

However most are those which are though and said but never done.

That's the way of modern times.