Je ne crois pas; je sais

Well I've applied to umpteen jobs yet nothing! I need something to drag me of this "comme un automate". It's like I'm in a trance: trying to not obsess! I'm doing all in my power to neither obsess over every detail of me life, nor to think to much about how different a lot of things could have been if i hadn't changed along the way and lost my self...

Je suis morte

il y a tellement longtemps.....

Tja maybe not but it seems I've lost my self when i found someone worth keeping.

Mais il peux me faire ressentir
comme si ce n'était pas le cas.
La reason pour laquelle il a viens me voir
Je ne crois pas...

Je as puer... On est embrasant. Je suis honte de ce que je ressens, tu sais que je ne peux pas manipuler le moment. Souffler à l'oreille dans le vent, ca a l'air moins réel.

Et puisque je ne suis qu'un mort pour[...]
alors!

Et laisser moi reposer en paix. Disparaissent une manière, vous a préoccupé des pensées...

Laisse moi dormir, sans vous là dans mon sommeil.

I know I have friends and i know where to turn but in my mind I can't be driven there. Guess this is the rant of a tired person who've seen such that she'd fallen tired of it all, and is in desperate need of some sleep. Not just sleep, but sleep that leave her well rested, not the kind where dreames that used to be wonderful is thought of as nightmares. Dreamless sleep would be most wanted....

Je peux m'allonger par terre mais je ne trouve pas ma douce libération; sommeil paisible.

Je sais, je devrais partir, mais je te suis comme un possédé. Il y a un traître sous ma poitrine.
Je suis mon ennemi, mais c'est difficile ne à pas....
Je suis mal mais je suis encore fort... Alors, même la personne la plus forte peut décomposez trop émotions. Il me fait souffrir plus que tu ne l'imagines, que tu ne comprends pas.

J'ai essayé mais je ne trouve pas ma douce libération.
Je pourrais avoir besoin sommeil paisible, maintenant.

Advancement

It's been to long since I was a part of the working life. People who work seems to have a purpose and of such they seem less depressive and unhappy. Of course most people who are depressive and unhappy are either those who have fallen for a mid-life crisis or there about, and they usually have a steady job. Still, I feel that when you are working to achieve both an decent income and to earn to life's customs, one become more energetic, more efficient.

This might just be me, but I seem to remember that I gave more, cared more, and bothered more back when I had a few jobs. I miss it really. With the "sabbatical" I've taken this year I feel like I've lost my self a bit along the way. It's really scary, job interviews didn't bother me much, but now I'm actually scared or at least rather nervous. I just hope it goes well, but then again my credentials from this last semester of school isn't the best. It's rather poor I fear...

What if I don't get it? There's always more work to be found. Yet I'm still worried I've been out of the game too long. here I go worrying for nothing, It'll go fine....[Keep telling my self]

Anxious

It was a triumph, I thought. Thinking I were on my way, acting alone, moving on and improving my health and myself. It was suppose to be a huge success, hard to over state my satisfaction...
We do what we must because we can, but also because we think it's for the best: for the good of all of us, except those who are dead, seemingly...

You keep on crying till you keep on trying, and when you run out of tries you go back to despair and the tears. I am not angry, I am sincere. Torn to pieces, torn between what I wish and want and what I feel. I've been so happy for you. And I sincerely are still. Though therein lies the problem. I am happy and more willingly to care for others' well being then my own. I'm no saint or any of the kind, but I still turn from my own problems. I deny them, till I can suppress them no more. They come in urges and unthought scenarios, there will be consequences, but which consequences will cause payment? Those of the past sins or those of the present past?

Anxiety have always been and will always be part of our conscience state of mind. It influences some more then others. Nonetheless karma will sum up our consequences and we must meet out bill one way or the other. Anxiety is felt strongly when we know the bill is overdue and we are waiting for the result. We may survive or we may not, either figuratively speaking or not.

I'm just wondering what I must pay. They say I live up to my carrier as an artist. Considering what James Taylor once said

That's the motivation of an artist - to seek attention of some kind