"You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean: if a few drops of ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty."

- Gandhi



If you're afraid of death, then you're afraid to live. And if that's your fear you can never help others, which provide the true joy of life.

Coffee and Cigarettes

"Wake up , take your pills dear, you came down with a sickness, shot down back in Christmas"...
" One night...when you woke up, you bled till you spoke up. Oh this ain't pretty dear. With clocks, watch the time go...til' spring, when the sun can finally be free..."
"And I'm sure you've lost that weight again,
I'm sure the pills keeping pouring in,
Like smoke that falls, Caving into you. Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere...with you"
- Augustana

My words..*snufs*

After breakfast, I thought I should continue my writing. I found all my different "Book"files and thought it was time I gathered them all in one document. I sat there writing the different parts of my story together and started on a new chapter. Then, a couple of hours later, I had a 35 pages long draft ready. I thought I should take a well deserved break and so I ate lunch. After lunch I did my homework and I did some researched on various subjects. Then the horror message came: Virus detected.... When I realised my laptop was ill;( The virus was removed, but so where all the infected files, and amongst those files was most of my writings T_T. My draft was gone!!!:( All my hours of writing and thinking: vanished, just like that*snufs*

Luckily I had backup on some of those unfinished documents of my book. However most of it is gone with the wind:( What shall I do?

"Pain is only an illusion"

Heritage I'll cherish till the end. Heritage can lead you into darkness, where uncertainties lie. As darkness closes in. I'm surrounded by shadows, I shiftily know. I've lived my life, no regrets to go on, now. I move on. As time shift from then to now. Confusion stumbles in, as an old friend.

"Your physic can be neglected if, and only if, your mind remain focused"

Hum?!

Awoken by the gentle sound of flapping wings, from one of nature's beauties trapped inside the bottle of Human life. The fair creature sees her world changed through a window. Down the road a human village, a suburb as of today.

We were strangers starting out on a journey, on a crazy adventure. I never dreamt what we'd have to go through. Now I'm standing at end looking back at our beginning, no one told me, I was going to find you. When I lost hope, you were there to remind me: Life is never ending, a road we most walk, only your choices builds the path we must follow. Now here we stand unafraid of the future.

As the butterfly gently came to a halt on my finger, I awoke. Finally aware to the world once again. How fragile life is, how uncertain. It can change so abruptly but so gently. The butterfly sifts it's wings and of it flew. Sleep came over me again.


Edit: Comnia vincent amor et amor fati? Non, comnia vincent amicitia...Quid amicitia est?

Hic die!

Hic die te rogio: meam cures?
Qui meam amat, et cum posse amante dicere sum?

Sum et mea vita semper libertas habeo; meam pati finis meam vita in libertam; sed iam tempus etiam ad rem aliquis. Meam amore mens ad te dari. Non vere cupeo iterum amare.





Gustave Courbet said once:

I am fifty years old and I have always lived in freedom; let me end my life free; when I am dead let this be said of me: ”He belonged to no school, to no church, to no institution, to no academy, least of all to any régime except the régime of liberty

Friendship lasts forever

Wednesday was horrid. We ended a seven and a half months long relationship, after school. I had foreseen it, and so had he, I believe. And to say that that made it any easier, would be laying. I'll admit to crying. To lose love is never easy for anyone, and to lose such a great love, I think I'll never truly will get over, not this lost love, but as times goes one, life does move on. I'll wonder what would've happened if it hadn't ended four days ago. Or if I hadn't foreseen it. But it wouldn't have made any difference. The result is what happened and I can't go back. It's not up to me. However how much I'd rather have everything back to the sweet couply-times, I've learnt that I must accept the situation. Love comes an goes but friendship lasts a lifetime.



Thursday was strange. It housed a sort of emptiness and feeling of despair I never truly understood or have experienced before. Friends tried to comfort me by among many things "bitching" but I couldn't enjoy that. I don't believe that bitching helps and further more I don't have it in me to bitch about the ended relationship. To much still dear to me. We ended up eating ice cream with chocolate sauce and talking about the past, friends and about how much that have changed this year. I found it comforting and cosy but at the same time frustrating and sad. I felt lose, and longing. But then all that changed on Friday. During the school day, I felt nothing, not sad, not happy, not longing, no feelings in particular, nothing! But that couldn't last long. After school I began to feel again, and in the evening I was overwhelmed by emotions. I really appreciate that he still wants to be my friend, and that he took time or just the fact that he bothered to comfort me even though he's not obliged to do so any more. He sat there during my little break down. He listened with patience, compassion and he even held around me. I know it didn't mean anything more then a friendly hug. I think that made me realise it is truly over. But not lost. We're still friends, and still close, I dare say.



I woke up at a friend's house today. I was in a melancholic mode, sort of longing without hope of reaching and just sad for all those times that would've come. It struck me that I'll be alone one more birthday. But my lane of thought was quickly broken by the others who also had spent the night at my friend's place. After awhile we began to play singstar, but it was short lived 'cause I had to hurry to catch the subway. I was to be in a meeting, where he also would be attending. I was fine, but I needed to talk to him alone, but I wasn't able. Just as well, actually. I wasn't ready earlier today. But after tonight I believe I am. When I got home we talked , I think I sort of scared him away a little, but it was a short dialogue, he had to make dinner^^ We all need food, so hopefully not. I went to bed right after this, but then our mutual "French-friend" contacted me over the net and I sat there talking with her for awhile before I fell a sleep. (one thing he taught me, I can sleep without worries)We both have a mutual friend who've moved to Toulouse for a year. She's a really good friend to the two of us. Don't know what to do with out her. When I woke up at seven or something, I must have sorted out my thoughts and emotions while I slept. Because when I woke I understood, and I accepted that I'm not in charge of this broken relationship. You have to be two and without the one you can have no other. As I know deep down, I'll always care for him in one way or the other, as boyfriend or as a friend makes no difference. Not now.



This clarity, however, didn't hit me before I was pleasantly surprised by a phone call from France. It was our mutual friend. She wonder how I was and I told her. She has recently been through something very similar, and has been a great comfort and a fantastic friend to me since I first realised it was ending. We talked for over an hour about many things between heaven and earth but mostly the recent end. I must remember to thank her, for she made me see everything in perspective. And perspective alone makes a huge difference. She always know how to make you feel better. I'm going to miss her, but I'll probably talk to her every day and I'll see her at Christmas. I envy her a year in France. She deserves it.



As of this moment I can say that I'm ready to move on. Life's life and it becomes what ever you make of it. I foresaw the end and it didn't make any difference, but to dwell over spelt milk isn't the way I wish to live my life. I'm accepting that what once was is in the past and that the future lies only ahead for the one who dares to move on.



Some regret, there will always be. It is only natural, but I'm mostly grateful for the time we did spend together and I don't want things to change any further than it has of now with the one other person, which over the last seven and a half months has grown to know me more than anyone else and better than I ever dreamed anyone would come. I hope we may remain good and close friends. If I were to lose him completely I have no idea what would become of me. Friends can actually be just as good as or even better than the step above sometimes...



I'm grateful that he was there during these past months, we went through so much together and I feel that the two of us have grown accordingly. I owe him incredibly much, I hope he realise that I'm here for him. He was there for me when I needed it. When I was closing the doors to my past and when I opened those of my future. For now all that the both of us can do, is to keep in touch, 'cause the seven and a half months long trust we founded, doesn't disappear over night. Neither does the knowledge we possesses of one an other.



I'm looking into the future, my life lies behind those doors and I intend to go through them with peace at mind. Not with a lost love but with a gained friendship.